Scientists gave us the data. Sex therapists gave us the how-to. The results: Science- backed ways you can be her orgasm donor.

Prep Properly

Replace “inhibitors” (chores, kids) with “excitors”—early photos of you two, music, a scented candle, says sex therapist Ian Kerner, Ph.D. Tell her how great she looks in candlelight. Nicole Prause, Ph.D., found that body-negative thoughts curbed women’s arousal while they watched porn.

Go Slow

Don’t zero in on the nipples or clitoris too early—they’re not “on buttons,” and being touched in those areas can be painful if she’s not aroused yet, says sex therapist Lori Brotto, Ph.D. Watch her body—erect hair follicles is a good sign—and follow her lead; tell her, “I am guided by you.”

5 Ways To Give A Woman An Orgasm:

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No, Slower!

Ready for penetration? Ask first. Wet doesn’t mean ready. (That’s why lube is a poor substitute for foreplay.) Her vaginal walls should be engorged and “pillowy.” Tease the vulva with your penis; play with shallow thrusts, says Kerner. Or have her do that herself. You can watch.

Stimulate Multiple Areas

Some experts say female orgasm can be generated from several spots beyond the obvious clitoris—nipples, earlobes, cervix, G-spot. Do your own experiments, says Kerner. Kiss her neck, caress the small of her back, whisper in her ear. And try stimulating the clitoris during penetration.

Stop Worrying About Her

Your well-intentioned check-ins (“Almost there?”) can interrupt her flow, says sex therapist Erica Marchand, Ph.D. Focus instead, says Brotto, on points of contact—your interlocked hands, where your bellies touch, how her breast feels against your lips. Notice texture, temperature, vibrations.

Have Fun!

Humor helps turn off the thinking part of your brain so you can both focus on pleasure. Know that there’s no one right way, says Marchand. If you slip out or fall off the bed, so what? She won’t care. So lighten up. (Check out Hysterical Literature for our favorite sexy-funny videos.)

Find Entrainment

Steady rhythm is key. Start with a rhythm and pressure that feels natural, says Marchand. Ask easy, brief questions so she can stay in the moment: “Faster or slower?” “Softer or harder?” “How does that feel?” Not: “What should I do?” If she seems close, don’t change a thing.